Fruit Pie the Magician

Today I read of the Chapter 11 filing of the company that owns among other things, Wonder Bread and Hostess Fruit-Filled Pies. Wonder Bread I can do without, for bread often turns into nerf mold in my house. Bread is not sold in quantities small enough for me to justify buying it, and when I do it's usually during that once-a-year, week-long binge on grilled pastrami with Swiss on rye sandwiches.

Hostess Pies, on the other hand, are a different story. Especially the cherry ones.

Rarely is there a better munchies alternative on the shelf of 7-11 or the rack of a vending machine than a hand wad of these babies. Two to a pack and both oozing with that injected red stuff that contrasts-- in color and texture-- so perfectly with the brown flaky, glazed, hyper-sweetened pastry shell. It's friggin' feng shui in a wrapper. When I want pie (other than Grandma’s apple pie, of course), I want Hostess. The closer to the expiration date the better, for that’s when the shell is at its most…is there a good word for stalest?

Losing the pie would be bad enough and I know that this is improbable. It’s only a Chapter 11 situation; there's still time to right the corporate ship. And I’m sure some other megafood conglomerate would buy the Hostess franchise in a heartbeat if it had to be sold off. Losing the pie’s mascot, Fruit Pie the Magician, would be heartbreakingly sad. In a world of Trix Rabbits, Tony the Tigers, 70’s Pornostar Mustache Paper Towel Guys and their ilk, it’s nice to have a mascot that hasn’t sold out. Fruit Pie the Magician has been playing it out under the radar all these years, underappreciated, content in his niche and adored by his fans. If he was a band, he’d be the Feelies or Guided by Voices.

As far as magicians stand, I’m sure he’s no David Copperfield or Doug Henning. But that’s a good thing. David Copperfield and Doug Henning hog all the magic to themselves. Fruit Pie the Magician, on the other hand, gives me the mystical power to make vending machine pie disappear. For that, I am thankful. Long live Fruit Pie the Magician.