Ooof

 

I’ve always had a problem with break-up lines. Who hasn’t? For me, they’ve ranged from bemused laughter to practically forcing someone onto a plane flying so far west that it's east. I haven’t fared any better on the receiving end, either. I was glad to see that some students from Cornell are associating common break-up lines with different philosophies, as listed here. My personal fave is the Consequentialist, v 2.0.

 

What lines have you used, and are you down with said philosophy? Words for thought.

 

Here’s the list, and a link:

 

The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other.
The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other.
The Consequentialist: We aren’t optimal for each other.
The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me.
The Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
The Rationalist: I’m not a priority to you any more.

The Rationalist, v 2.0: I’ve been doing some thinking…
The Rationalist, v. 3.0: If you can’t see your faults, there’s nothing more I can say.
The Content Externalist: Ever since we moved, you’ve changed.
The Continentalist: You’ve lost that love and feeling.
The Egalitarian: This is the best thing for both of us.
The Paternalist: In time you’ll come to see that this is the best thing.
The Humean: Just because we’re always together doesn’t mean we BELONG together.

The Humean, v. 2.0: Relationships need to be about more than just constant conjoining.

The Reliabilist: This just isn’t working anymore.
The Nagelian: You just don’t know what it’s like to be me.
The Functionalist: I don’t care about accommodating your feelings.
The Quinean: I’m sorry, but you don’t mean anything to me anymore.
The Foundationalist:We have nothing left to build upon.
The Foundationalist, v2.0: I need to be able to branch out more.
The Relativist: It’s no one’s fault.
The Atheist: These things just happen.
The Kantian: You lied to me!
The Consequentialist, v 2.0: You should have lied to my mother about her pot roast!
The anti-Fictionalist: I’m sick of faking it.
The Cartesian: I don’t clearly and distinctly perceive a future together.
The Hegelian: Do we have to go through this again?
The Lockean: Our primary qualities simply aren’t compatible.
The Lockean, v. 2.0: Compared to my last partner, I’m not getting nearly enough, nor as good.
The Cornell Realist: You no longer move me.
The Quasi-Realist: Of course we’re going to be together forever…
The Motivational Externalist: Even though I believed it at the time, I know now that I never really loved you.
The Behaviorist: I just can’t keep going through the motions anymore.
The Presentist: There just isn’t any future for us.
The Eternalist: At least we’ll always have that weekend in Paris

The Modal Realist: This will never work—we’re from different worlds.

 

http://tar.weatherson.net/archives/000979.html